what if there are people who actually do not serve a specific purpose .. is it wrong to ask to be removed from a society that does not need you? that does not want you? what is wrong with accepting that you are not worth “the space”.. what if you aren’t really capable of making connections, of making an impact. how embarrassing it is to live and to die with knowing you are insignificant. how qualified as significant ? should I strive to be significant? no matter how I try, i will remain a piece of cellophane. how can she use the cellophane .. what did it teach her. what does it teach the society. if she were to leave, how epaulet society function?
just the same she thinks. but she’d never know. she understands the impact, the crater in the hearts of those who care. it’s ironic because she knows people care. but eventually, one begins to realize it is not about the people. and that’s where suicide becomes very real. it’s in that space where one can understand their death and the impact of it as it connects with your complete lack of care.
you realize that there are people who know and seem to realize who you are.
you can see that time moves on. you can see that no matter the deaths, life will continue marching forward. so you think that yes, they will be upset. but yes, life continues on.
old people scare me. maybe not scare .. but disturb. it’s the look, the desperation… does anyone wish to be old? I cannot explain the disconnect of my emotions. I believe I cannot feel the ‘right’ emotions.
i feel disconnected. there is nothing keeping me tied to this world… as cliche as it sounds, i’m not going to let myself get old. there is literally no point to living. you waste time and money working hard to eventually die anyway. why are people so scared of death? they will never know it happened. that’s what i tell myself to make death easier each day. the dead do not know they are dead, they have no more baggage, no more concerns, no more you. how simple a thing to just disappear at an early age.. no later than 32 i’ve decided.
there is something somewhere telling me i am not meant to be this way. i am not meant to be here. what is my purpose? none. what am i set to do to impact the world? nothing. the idea of me is vacant space.
i will stand out.. i will literally break the mold. hopefully i will and not take this as some dumb high ass thought.
let people be close to you. if they’re trying, they are being genuine. not everyone wishes to see you fail. most people want to see you succeed. do not let those malicious thoughts reign.
i am empty. i am insignificant. i am hated. i am so alone and dizzy. i am cruel, i am .. selfish. so very selfish. so much so i can’t refrain from using “I” in a single sentence. granted it’s (quite) a common word in the english language but the word “I” seems.. selfish. when i wake up i tell myself, “you are worthless, you are a shitty person. you’re fat, ugly, why are you still here?” and even that seems selfish. i am the one thing that consumes my thoughts the minute i wake up? so the cycle continues.. “you are selfish, weak, unimportant” but i tell myself “i love you, there’s something waiting” and i tell myself i believe it .. but all too often the malicious voice reigns. all too often i forget to listen to what that sweet, soft voice is telling me.
i believe this will pass, as it does. but when will it stop coming back?
i feel empty, insignificant, hated and alone.
when will it stop.
even as i write this i feel guilty- guilty i feel that way. that i feel alone and empty.. because do i even have a reason to be? am i validated to feel that way? i think the sweet, soft voice is simply branching from guilt.. so what good voice is there?
